I am having trouble with trusting and caring about people again my walls which were slowing being built back up went up faster. I let myself feel something for someone this summer and I got hurt, yet I still am having trouble letting go of him and it makes me mad and frustrated and sad that without knowing it he ruined me as I was trying to view the best in people. I was trying to let myself care for people just for the sake of caring for them. It scares me having walls back up, but I don’t want to get hurt again.
On top of trust issues I have another issue. One that is starting to worry me, which is rather ironic when you read about it.
I don’t know exactly what it is, but I feel anxious and stressed all the time. I can’t sit in silence; I always have to have some kind of sound around me because I can’t handle the stillness. It is so quiet it rings in my ears and I need it to stop because it drives me crazy. My family is starting to notice my anxiousness and stress and they are starting to worry for my health. Yesterday my parents sat me down and tried to talk to me about it. They wanted to know how to help me and I couldn’t tell them what I needed because I don’t even know what I need to get through this. I don’t know what is causing all this stress. I can’t figure out why I am up at all hours laying in bed with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I am constantly nervous and anxious about something even though I have no idea what it is. I know part of it is because of school and how I am no longer sure if paramedics or even medicine is the right field for me. But I know that it is not all of it. I’m scared. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I don’t like that my family feels worried about me. I don’t like that I feel lost and confused. I don’t like that I can’t talk to people about it because I don’t trust anyone other than my family.
I don’t know what I am asking for, maybe its just telling you guys because I used to tell you so much. I just need a hug. I need to be told it is all going to be ok and that it is ok to care for people. I need to be reminded that people can be good. I need to be told that my life doesn’t need to be as full of stress and anxiety. I need to be told that I am loved and it will work out even though I am not sure what “it” is.
I need a hug and I need a friend.
I’m sorry it jumps around. My thoughts are jumbled lately. And the ringing is starting.
