Finished.

So its been a while….haven’t seen or really talked to a lot of you. Feeling rather lonely. I talked to a friend today. I talked to him about some things I am struggling with. We talked a little about last year, to which I think that perhaps my space should’ve gone to someone a little bit less like me and more like….well I don’t know…just someone not like me. I am not saying I regret doing Kaleo; I loved Kaleo. I got experiences I never would have had otherwise and I met amazing people I never would have. But alas it’s over, and life goes on, nothing ever really lasts it's all a piece of dust that gets swept away as soon as the wind blows. Those days are gone. Maybe I am a tad nostalgic for those days when I see the black hole of space and time that lurks a head of me for either direction I take.

Anyways we talked about some other stuff too. Like why I am feeling the way I am and my thoughts on things like God. He made an excellent point of telling me I am lonely because I have chosen to be that way, because I have chosen not to tell people about my struggles. To which I replied I have tried talking to people about the way I am feeling. They just don’t understand. And maybe some of you know that even when you try and reach out to others hoping they might understand you a little only to find out they don’t….it just leaves you feeling more isolated, alone, angry and frustrated. Well this is not to excuse myself from putting myself in a spot where I feel so alone, because I am positive I have done something that made me feel this way, for starters I have not really reached out to any of you to talk about this, and when I did something else came up, but that is life. I have always found timing a peculiar thing, or just time in general…it slips away far to quickly.

So here am I, in our chapel time opening up to you, a loved family (though I guess some would argue that what I am about to do does not really make me capable of loving) before I put up my walls again. I am tired. So very tired physical and mentally, all I want to do is sleep, but I can't sleep, it eludes me. So instead I push on, through school, family and work. I push my body hard doing as much physical activity I can...feeling exhausted is better then not feeling. But I am tried of feeling alone, so I am just going to tell you. I quit. I am done. This life is not one for me. I haven’t been living it. I am taking this step to tell you I am done pretending to have a faith that I don’t. You can tell me all you want of how I can find comfort and rest and restoration with God but I’ve heard it and I am not convinced. I’m done searching for something I cannot see, cannot feel and cannot trust. I’m not dealing with something that has left me hanging on out of fear for what might come.

That’s all. I’m done. I’m trying a different path, either way I see it, it all leads to the end right? Life and time go hand and hand they both slip away and can’t be reversed….