Hello family!
I have to say that I have missed all of you dearly and have been thinking about our year together often! I apologize for not posting on the blog. But I do want you guys to know that I do read it and i do think of you guys. It has taken me forever to write on here because of course.. that would include sharing my feelings. And you all know how I love sharing my feelings =D. But I need to share these things with you..so here it goes..
First: at christmas, wait maybe i should go back farther. As long as I can remember mom has told me that I have a letter from my birth mother's parents.. She told me should would give it to me when she thought the time was right. So this Christmas mom gave it to me. I had never really thought about my adoption, and it never really bothered me. But since reading that letter tons of feelings have come and I have been struggling with it. I feel.. rejected. Why get rid of me if she has more? Why couldn't she keep me? In the letter it says, "our precious little girl" and all these things but apparently i was not precious enough...Every time i read the letter it breaks my heart.. I feel unwanted.. My mom always told me that my birth parents had a hard time giving me up..but it still doesn't make me feel any better knowing that. I keep people at a distance, I don't show them the real me, because I am afraid of rejection. I do what they want me to do, i please people and try not to ruffle any feather because I am afraid of rejection. I don't show affection very much, because i don't want to get too close and then have a broken heart.
Second: I have not read my Bible or talked to God in months. Ever since well Christmas, I have been struggling with my relationship with Him. I haven't trusted Him in anything. I just don't try to have a relationship with Him. I have tried and tried to get close to Him, I have tried trusting Him, but it fails each time. I am not saying that I don't believe there is a God and that I have turned my back on HIm, because I still believe in HIm, I just...feel dead. I lie to everyone who asks me how I am doing. I act as though I am happy and loving life, but inside I am depressed, sad and numb.. I don't hear God's voice anymore and I am starting to feel like I never will. Then i get angry because I cannot get to Him.. I try to sing songs and praise Him, but every time I try a little voice says, " oh ya? ellie did He help you in this situation" or " no, He isn't really there.." I try not to listen to those voices, but it is so hard.
I am sorry! i am sorry for keeping you guys at a distance to protect myself! I love you all deeply! I hope you know that.
love your guts,
Delight
3 comments:
Ellie!
thank you for posting!
Know that we all think of you and Love you. I'm sure there is not one of us that doesn't get some kind of memory of kaleo each day. believe me I'm sitting here thinking of the dock and the raccoons hahaha
My beautiful friend, one hard relationship to keep up with is that of our Father. Build a lasting love from the faith you still have in Him and find that place of solitude for you and Him to become Lovers again. Take it easy when building your relationship back up. (it's what I'm doing right now.)
if you ever want someone to chat with skype me up!
we are so lucky to have you as our sister! So happy you are apart of this spread out community! You are our delight!
Much Much Love coming to ELLIE!
Dear Ellie,
I haven’t been on this blog in forever but for some reason I felt like going on. So I am really glad I DID, because you shared your feelings, this happens once a decade so this is why I am responding right away ha. I love how real this was Ellie, your right 99% of the time your such a cheerful helpful girl and im glad you came clean and told us your not ALWAYS feeling that way.
Alright so basically on this earth right now as far as my respect for people goes, I would say I respect like fully respect and admire, maybe 10 people and your one of those people! Ellie oprah isn’t even on that list hha.
And do you know why you’re on that list, it’s not even because you’re my friend and we have fun together, but because you genuinely care about people, you are always putting yourself last and treat people the way God wants them to be treated, you listen to others and are always fully engaged when having a conversation with people, and you give off a very positive pure energy when people are around, I hope you are really hearing this because I mean this, I know you think I’m super encouraging and all, but I don’t throw these words out like candy, Ellie you have a heart of gold. That being said who you are as a person has a lot to do with god’s plan, and where you are right now is part of gods plan, and I really don’t know enough about adoption to say anything however I know that god wants you to be truly joyful in life. So try and see the sunshine above the clouds. <-(I honestly am not sure what that means)
God is speaking through circumstances your environment, opportunities, nature, and people so be extra careful and listen when God whispers to you, trust.
You will come out stronger after this life situation is over.
Hey Ellie, there have been so many times this year that we were going to talk and it didn't work out. I'm glad we got talk at Caronport and you told me some of the things you have written here. I remember an earlier conversation, when you were going home for Christmas I think, and I asked you of you were ever curious about your birth parents and adoption, and you said you were not. I thought then, someday this is going to hit the fan. I guess it has. The questions surrounding your birth parents are tied up with your identity, your security, your self-esteem - pretty big stuff. Maybe this will be a summer of sorting these things out.
But I want to remind you that no matter what rejection you have faced or will experience in this life, you are a chosen person. It doesn't make sense to turn your back on the people and God who have chosen you, for the sake of those who let you go, whatever their reason was.
We are off to Kelowna today. Would love to Skype with you! Please text me when you get some time.
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