My mom is dying, I live in a place I hate (PEI is no picnic for me), I have a job that frustrates me, I am not in school, I am isolated from my friends and I find life incredibly boring. I have been dealing with depression and I find it very hard to get motivated for each day. Not exactly where I thought I'd be at age twenty. After months of torture, frustration, loneliness and anger I can safely say that life sucks and that's okay. Suffering becomes refreshing. I find that it tends to peel away the superficial and brings a crisp light to reality. And so far the only part of this new reality I understand is that life is a messy messed up mess. Love results in pain, it requires a huge sacrifice which means suffering, and suffering is messy. I was depressed when life was a mess but was supposed to be happy. When I finally figured out that life is not happy but a big ol' mess, that's when I came around. It sounds strange but I find more hope in that than anything else. Life is more real, don't know how to explain it but that's just it. Life comes fast and its more real than it has ever been. Life is no party, but its real. That's more than what I could ask for. There's my update.
Appreciate the happy birthdays, Rivs thanks for the card. Wish I could visit y'all. I will be expecting gifts from each one of you at the level of an ipod nano or higher, Nate you can't get away with writing me a song again this year, Matthew if you want to repeat the gift of brotherly love and friendship that is fine but I just ask that you couple it with either gift-cards or a puppy. Cheers.
5 comments:
I have a puppy.
I hope your birthday occasioned a few moments of glory! Glory is the reality, and a messy, messed-up world is just the fog that keeps us from seeing it. One day soon the fog will roll away and it will be glory, glory, all glory. That will be the day.
Tim
So glad that you shared your heart with us! I'm pretty sure you could talk to anyone and ask them if they've felt lonely after kaleo and they'll say yes. I know all to well what your talking about living in a place you hate, having no friends, and life just being incredibly bored! I know I could give you that "Christian" answer- everything will be ok, God loves you very much! this is true but I know this does nothing for me! My parakaleo told me "In 1 Peter it talks a lot about sufffering and how that is our calling in life and we shouldn't be surprised when it happens to us. Instead we should find joy because we are worthy of suffering."
Hard pill to swallow eh? Often I feel like I did something wrong that God has placed me in such a horrible place. But I have to remember "Rivera your a christian, and this will only make you stronger for tomorrow, God loves you.."
and I love you Tim! I'm praying for your family. I hope to see you this year!
glory, glory, all glory. That will be the day.
So Tim, listening to Jon Foreman and your music on and off, and at one point I thought I was listening to you, but then realized it was Jon Foreman. So, here's to sounding like Jon Foreman!
Tim, I'm not sure how I'd repeat the gift of brotherly love and friendship because it's not something you lose - You've always got me as a brother and a friend and with it you've got all the promises that come with that. Thank you for posting this. I know and grieve that your life is in a season of hardship and that you're suffering much right now and 20's a big number and a lot of feelings come with that, but I am so thankful for you and your life. I'll take a look around Caronport for some stray puppies and try and bring one your way.
You talk about the reality of the mess that is life, and it reminds me a lot about the talks in Kaleo we had about reality, and how apart from Christ there is no realizing the truth, there is no reality, nothing is real but all a deception. I echo Jim's comment about the mess being a fog to cloud the glory. This doesn't make any of it any easier but do know that you were right when you told me that reality was not what I had seen and that hasn't changed, and that truth that you fought for in my life - stripped of specificities and brought to their most basic truths: hope, redemption, promise, purpose, healing and love - are true in yours as well. I'm hurting with you in this time, and I urge you not to accept less than hope for joy in the midst of these trials.
I love you always Tim, and I've got your back.
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