Well I have talked to a few of you the past few months and I have really, really enjoyed it. It is so amazing to talk to people that have impacted my life in such an amazing way. I love each and every one of you so much and words cannot describe how much you guys mean to me. I am trying hard to remember the love I felt for people right now and how it was a love that was not something I could feel on my own, it was something I felt because God allowed me to. Those that I have talked to I have told you how good life is going but I have refused to actually tell you of my struggles. So I guess maybe I will try and be honest with all of you as well as myself as I have been suppressing these thoughts hoping that maybe if I don’t think them then they are not actually real.
Moving back in with my parents after being away from them for four years was hard. But over the past few months it has gotten really good, I am learning what it is to respect your parents and learning the things from them that I should have learned in high school as well as becoming friends with my parents. I am getting along with my sister Care better then ever. My sister Brooke is looking at houses with her husband Bill now as they are thinking of moving back in together and giving their marriage another shot. Brooke and I even have a much healthier relationship then we ever have had. Dale and Galen are in the process of finalizing the adoption of a little native baby girl and are thinking about moving back to Ontario. I even got the long awaited job as a counselor at a day camp on my rez. And have taken some rather large strides for schooling next year.
All these things are happening and it makes me happy, it really does. But I guess the thing that is bothering me is the fact that through this none of it tastes as sweet as it should, even though they are all answers to prayer. I feel horrible, it is a feeling I have gotten all to used to having know, the first time this was experienced was when I quit hockey, the second time was the last few months of Kaleo when I could not decide if living a life for God was something I wanted to do or not. It starts a nudging in the back of my mind, a little voice that is always present. It is a restless feeling, one that encourages me to ask question and seek answers everywhere but in God.
I am struggling maintaining a consistent amount of time in the word, maybe five or ten minutes total for the week. Prayer has been rather non-existent over the past little while. I can feel the lack of intimacy with God changing the person that was formed within me over the year. It scares me. I am not sure what the nagging is this time, and where it is pulling me. It is unsettling at how familiar this feeling is, and how comfortable it has become. How the little voice in my head has been a constant companion over the past while that I don’t think twice when it starts to talk to me.
I recently got a package from Kristie in the mail and the words she wrote to me reminded me that it is ok to ask question but to keep seeking the answers in Jesus. The only problem is I am not sure what my questions are, and if I do not know what my question is how can I find the answer in Jesus? I know people say God wants to meet me where I am at, but I have no idea how to meet with God where I am. Maybe this is my question. How can I make myself want to meet God where I am?
I have been pondering the world for a while now. Remember how our first surf trip I told you guys why I loved the ocean and what I appreciated about it. I loved how it could be so harsh and unforgiving at times, but it could also be so calm and beautiful. I liked how the ocean reminded me so much of God, in beauty and in power. The ocean to me is the best illustration of God. Well now I feel as if I am drowning. Perhaps God has brought me to this place to face the tide. As I swim between all things I know and believe to be true about God and his character and between the voice in my head that tells me to go against all the things God would desire of me. The world hardens and it numbs, it makes you feel as if you are comfortable in a state of slow decay, it tricks you into thinking that you are truly living. I don’t want that life, but I don’t know where to meet God, I don’t know how to meet him where I am, so honestly I think I might have stopped trying. So I guess what I am going to do is swim until I can no longer see land. Perhaps the beloved ocean of my God will pull me to the place where I am able to meet with him, and am able to silence the voice that is constantly hissing in my ear. Or perhaps I will be engulfed by the cruel waters because I have found I am not nearly as strong a swimmer as I thought.
Either way, I would appreciate your prayers.
6 comments:
Abby as I said in my post i really enjoyed reading your post. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because the leaps and bounds you have come since he beginning of kaleo? but i think it's because I see that you are wrestling with God, and struggling, and those are the times in which the refined comes out, where you become a tried and tested follower of Christ. james comes to mind about persevering under trial and all that good stuff.
well i do thank the Lord for the blessings he has given you guys.
Abby! I love the way you word things, you paint a great mind-picture. I'm so glad things are going good with the fam. Kind of going with the idea of what Ben said, spiritual growth and struggling often come hand in hand. Kind of like when a fire comes and burns down a forest. It might seem rough, but that's what the forest needed to spread its seeds and start fresh. Thinking and praying for you often.
I'm looking forward to that skype date! I'm off to camp tomorrow so it might be difficult, but we can make it work. Ok? Ok. Done. :P
Abby, I'm not sure how widespread the cheesy Christian phrase goes, but God doesn't call the prepared, he prepares the called... you may not be able to swim with the ease you thought you could, you may have found yourself in waters unclear and hazardous, and I'm not exactly sure what finding him in this will look like for you (I pray for clarity! Please, Father) but I know that he has given you all the strength you will need. I love you Abby, thank you for posting this.
Absolam! I agree with Jader, great imagery in your honesty. And I agree with Ben that this sort of struggle is more solid food than milk, and that says that God is working in you. Remember what John the Baptist said, that Jesus comes to baptize with the Holy Spirit and with fire and he separates the wheat from the chaff. Fire hurts but it burns away what isn't gold, what isn't you. Again I agree with Matthew. God is preparing you for something. What God only knows, but we can take a risk and trust that the all loving, all knowing, all powerful God is going to take care of us, he never lets go.
Stoked to hear from you, that famjam life is on the up and up and that your job came through. I promise to write you a birthday song, even if it comes late because I am terribly forgetful. Much love sister Abbitat!(that's that new one)
Abby, so much of this blog post sounds so familiar to me. Believe it or not, there are many people (myself included) who are going through this phase of restlessness. I understand that it can be a hard feeling to go through. I want to encourage/admonish you with a line I remember you saying to me while we were at the Olympics that helped me get through the dark time I was in while there. It was something to the effect that, "It really bothers me when someone comes into full communion with God and truly experiences him, then just walks away." I KNOW that this bothers you, please persist in doing good, do not grow weary of doing good.
I also want to remind you of Marv's class. I think that there were some of us who were not so excited to do a two hour long solo time with God. I encourage you to take the time with God that is NEEDED not necessarily that you FEEL like doing. Sometimes we need to follow God simply because he is God, not because we feel him.
One last thing, sorry this is so long, check out this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLMZx_ddFpQ
It's called Ocean by Ten Shekel Shirt. Perhaps it will help you in going back to those places where God felt so close.
Love ya Abby,
Nick
Thank you, Abby. There is a deep beauty in what you wrote - it was very moving to hear a hockey player express her heart in such genuine and vulnerable terms. Truly you have become a much deeper person, concerned for things that are significant and important and eternal.
One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes is from Mere Christianity (good read, by the way, one chapter a night): "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." Mark Buchanan wrote about this and said that our fallen world is designed to be at least slightly disappointing, even in our happiest moments, so that we would long for heaven.
Swim hard, Abby! Swim for heaven. Keep it always before you, like the goal at the end of the ice. Let it hold you fast, like the anchor on the Pacific Grace. May it fill you with joy, which is your right as a daughter of the King, far beyond mere happiness. A godly discontent is a good thing, when it makes us long for Jesus.
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