Home lately has been a nightmare, I am not liking it at all. And I feel like life in general is slowly suffocating me. I got in a fight with my mom and I walked out and went for a drive. I scared myself on this drive honestly. I found that I was wondering how much more of the suffocating I could handle, and I ever so casually wondered how many Tylenol I could take just to pass out (I am losing sleep over the pressure of work and life maybe it would have been a welcomed rest). Thinking this freaked me right out and I immediately decided I needed to call and talk to someone about how I was feeling. To talk about the things going on in my life, as I have not talked to anyone about it, or feel comfortable talking about it even. I got a hold of my very beloved friend Kristie Voth, and we talked for a while.
We talked about some of the struggles I am going through and how I am feeling. We talked about honesty and truth. So here is a little story from this past week:
As I sat in work the other day on a lunch break with a co-worker and a friend they noticed my tattoo on my arm the one I have in Hebrew. They started asking me about it and when I told them it was a name for God they were intrigued. They asked me if I was religious, and I found myself telling them I was not sure. I told them I believed the teachings of the Bible, but if it was something I was actually going to follow, I was unsure about. It shocked me as soon as it came out of my mouth. We talked a little about the church and about Christianity, and once again the asked me how I felt about it, and how I would classify myself. I once again told them it was something I was trying to decide.
The honesty was refreshing, I don't have to pretend around them or go through motions, they know I am exploring different things. So here I have decided to be honest. I am going to stop ignoring the fact that I am ignoring God right now. I am going to be honest with Him (since he knows already) and tell him I am ignoring Him. And tell him why: I am sick of rules, I am sick of feeling guilty, I am sick of feeling suffocated. Another thing I talked about with Kristie is the fact that I might be angry towards God. And having just re-read this paragraph and the conversation with Kristie, I think I might very well be angry with God.
I don't really know what else to tell you. I am feeling exhausted from everything in my life right now. And I am ready to quite on so much right now. And I am very curious about what life would be like outside of this little bubble I have been confined in all my life. I mean I am not wanting to give up faith, but I am not sure where I am at with it. I do not know exactly what it is I am wanting to explore seeing how I am not big into alcohol, drugs, or sex. But I am wanting to explore something, I want to see what life is like beyond these walls. Maybe many of you do not understand, maybe you do. But as to some people I have talked with in this hypothetical but not so hypothetical situation, the old cliché lines that have been given, and heard over and over do not help, it only makes me want to leave the bubble more.
I am wondering if grass is greener on the other side, and I think I will find out soon enough.
Abby
7 comments:
I'm not quite sure what to say other than I love you and I'm sorry I missed your call last night. Text me back please. Miss you and praying for you
Hey Abby, so glad you wrote this - it gives me much hope for you. Reminds me of a story about a kite that complained bitterly about the restrictions imposed by the string it was attached to. Its bid for freedom didn't go so well. Maybe you need to check out the other side of the fence, but my prayer is that you will not get badly hurt, and that your home-coming will be soon and sweet. We are here for you, always and ever.
I loved reading this Abby. First because I have had those same doubts before and second because I am seeing it happen in a surprisingly similar fashion with both my younger brother and sister. So I want to say, go for it. Sometimes we need to go away from it all, at least for a time. I recall way back in Spiritual Form when Marv challenged us to take spiritual retreats. Perhaps what you do need is a retreat of some sort. I can vouch that these are very helpful, having just come back from one.
All that I ask is to not leave us out of the loop. And please don't apologize for your posts. Maybe they all show the grey areas but they do show your heart. That is exactly what we want to hear.
Oh... If you do end up somewhere cool, let me know. Love you lots Abs, I'm praying that Truth will be revealed to you.
Hey Abs-olutely. We have much love for you and no matter where you go or what you do that will never change. I agree with Nick, keep us posted, we want to hear about your life and where you are at. I am proud of you for being so honest and it is good to hear that you are not just coasting through but that you are pursuing something. I genuinely hope you find what you are looking for. Praying for you McN-Abby (football player). Cheers sister.
Abby -
YOU are the Precious daughter of the One and Only Living KING. I hope and pray that through this searching you explore and experience the glory of that privilege. That you, as Paul did, begin to view your hope in Christ as freedom! Green lights in every direction, as opposed to restrictive red lights that Satan often blinds us with.
This is my prayer for you dear sister - Praying in FAITH that you discover your FREEDOM in Jesus and your POSITION as his precious daughter.
I love you dearly.
Abby. I wish to talk with you real soon. I will call you Friday.
First of all, problems are problems, no one expects them to be spoke of once and then disappear. They will keep appearing and none of us expect that they won't. We are by your side Abs, you can post about your struggles every day if you want even if they are the same thing, struggles are struggles and they are hard. The simple fact is, we care about you and we want to hear, I love your honesty.
Second of all, you can handle a lot more than you think you can. Just like when you're putting yourself through pain in training, your body sends out signals that you are hurting or tired loooong before your stores are empty or you're actually in any kind of danger... it's just its way of protecting itself. It becomes a mind game, be aware of that.
Third of all, don't let yourself get too freaked out by the thought of wondering things like how many tylenol you can take, don't get my wrong it's so good that you called someone, these are prime times to get your thoughts out, because you are bursting with emotion, but these threats often enter my mind. Don't dwell on it too long, don't let it even become an option, don't entertain it. ( I find for myself this is extremely hard, but possible... try try try!!!!) I make myself be real and tell myself that I WILL be ok, I know it, and so does everyone else so move on, push past, you CAN, now choose it.
Fourth of all, it's ok to be angry with God. Let it out, do what you need to in order to tell Him exactly how you feel, He already knows, so it's only going to make you feel better getting it out and being honest with yourself.
Fifth of all, God is not a God of rules, of binding, of suffocating. He is of Freedom and Grace. What do you think God is wanting of you right now?
Sixth of all, I hate cliches too. I struggled a lot with this in the first semester of Kaleo.
I think your last line stated what you are going to do, and I support that, I pray that you will be dearly protected and God would use this part of your life for His Glory in the end.
We will talk more Friday k? I love you Abby.
Hales
We'll talk more Friday k? I love you Abby
Hey friend...punch
I havent been on this blog for a while so you're lucky.
alrigbt let me try and help you out..
First off great to hear from you!
Abby,, alright pretend I am looking at you in the eye while saying this, better yet the heart.
Haley is 100% correct God is full of grace, and feels for you now as you probally have a headach of confeussion. God is in the business of good right, so He`s going to use this time in your life for you to come out stronger He can do that, if you let Him.
Sometimes we need to divorce the God of rules and simply focus on the God of love, than His rules will kinda pump through your blood.Do not feel to constricted with God, if you follow Gods business you will see that He is working all over the world and through many people, He`s is omega! God is way more concern about your heart than anything. And I am proud of you for being honest the way God wants you to be.
Continue to have this conversation with God about who He is to you, and continue to ask, seek and knock. but all i know for sure is let him speak, sometimes if you just stop and hear what He has to say you will find peace , and be blown away at what He has to say.
None the less Abby, it is always a pleasure to hear from you and I will be praying for you.
p.s i love your tattoo
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